Selfish and Unstable

I have always been independent for as long as I could remember. I never like to ask anyone for anything unless it was my last resort and that was very rare for me. The thought of depending on people to be there for me financially or even emotionally was far from my mind. But the one time I decide to depend on someone from both aspects was the worst thing I ever did.

Emotionally you say you love me, but then you constantly hurt me. You say you ain't going nowhere and we will always be together, but the minute we get into an argument you are quick to say it's over and you're done. And then after a couple of days when you see that I am not even concerned about the quarrel that we had you want to try and apologize as if I'm just gonna forget the sh*t you put me through the past couple of days. When I think about it you never really apologize you just start conversations with me as if nothing ever happened. Now I cant trust you with my heart. I don't know if we'll be together for a month, a week or just a few days. Stability used to mean one thing to me and that was money, financially. But now I need stability in a relationship. If I don't feel like you want to be with me forever or as long as I want to be with you then we're not stable. And I need stability not just for me, but for my kids. And if that's not you then I guess I'm on my own.

When it comes to money, I am not a big spender. I know some females who take their mans whole check and hit up the mall without a thought in their mind about him, the bills, or the kids for that matter. I am different and simple. I don't have to have the flyest outfits or the cleanest shoes. Honestly, you could give me $20 to go to Walmart and I'd be happy. But that still isn't enough for you to understand how grateful you should be towards me. The killer part is you constantly coming to me asking me to help you budget and to keep up with our money, but when the time comes for me to do that you trip. You always telling me that whatever I need get it, but then if I go to the ATM to take out $20 for your sons a haircut then you want to question me how, when and why. Now the only reason that pisses me off is because you go every week and make sure you get some of your "medicine" and sometimes you spend $120 a week on it. But you gone trip when I go and pay for our sons to have a hair cut? Your priorities are really messed up. No, no, no, you are just selfish. It's OK for you to spend your money, but when you find out someone else is you go ballistic. And like I said I could see if I were like those other females that take the money and go buy Gucci this or Prada that, but I am not. The only times I take the debit card is if I need to pay the bills and that's it. I don't use it to buy myself anything not even the kids. The only reason I don't touch his card is because he always complaining about not having no money which if you ask me, he always has money. When you can pay the bills and still have over $300 left til you get paid the next week I think your okay. And not one time do you say hey go buy this for the boys or go get your hair and nails done. The only thing you do is get your "medicine". Then your only defense is that you pay all the bills so you should be able to buy what you want. You are right you can buy whatever you want if you were by yourself, but no its 4 of us and just cause you pay the bills doesn't mean that that's all you have to do with your money. And honestly you not paying all the bills Cause I pay majority of the rent and you just pay the utilities. But you never hear me complaining.

Anyways I just wish I had a job. This is definitely a lesson learned.This is the reason why I never depend on anyone for anything because I get let down. And what hurts the most is I am not a selfish person and whenever I don get some money I don't have a problem sharing no matter how much it is.But, I will never ever, depend on anyone for anything ever again I promise that. Not for love, money, nothing. And like I always say karma is  motha, what goes around comes around and what you do to me will definitely come back on you 10 fold.