Actions speak louder than words

Actions speak louder than words

So Far So Good!

Everything is going great so far. We have been taking our time to communicate better with each other. I know it has only been one day, but I feel like this time is going to be better than last time. Sometimes you just have to have faith and if it is meant to be than it will be. And for some reason after we talked I feel much more confident about my life and the way I want things to go. Hopefully there will be no more drama between us to cause me to lose focus on my goals and dreams.

In the mean time I am going to keep doing me and like I said before I am not going to put my all into this thing we have until I really know that its forever. I know that's probably not the best way to handle this situation, but if you know who my boyfriend is then you would understand why I have to be that way.

Just Can't Give Up...

So, yesterday after not having talked about our separation for a week we came to a conclusion that we really do love each other and want to make our relationship work. Of course he apologized continuously until I finally accepted and gave him an answer. I know that some people who have been keeping up with my blogs are probably thinking I shouldn't give him a chance and you are right I shouldn't because he hasn't really shown me any reason to forgive him and give him a second chance. But I have faith that maybe this time if we work hard and communicate better everything will be okay. I have some things that I need to work on as well so its not all his fault even though I made it look that way in my blogs. We both have realized the things that we need to work on to be better suited for each other and that's what we are going to do. I especially have a lot of personal issues within myself that I need to focus on that will help me be a better girlfriend for him and a better mother for my kids.

For now I ma just taking everything one step at a time and I am trying to figure out things for myself. I am not going to put my all into our relationship right now because I really cant trust that we wont end up breaking up again soon, but I am not going to just start acting different because of it either. Also I love my children and I know how much they love their dad and if I can do something to make our relationship work for the sake of our boys then that's what I'm going to do.

Letting Go Is Hard

Who ever said love was easy it isn't. And one thing I have learned throughout this relationship is that it is so easy to fall in love, but harder to fall out of it. Especially when you have been with someone as long as I have. I know I've got a long road ahead of me in getting over him. We had some good times and even til this day he still can make me laugh til I cry. But I guess that isn't enough anymore. And it hurts like hell. Sometimes I wish I could be as strong and hard as he is because I cant see any pain in his eyes. But I am sure he can see that I am hurt, its written all over my face. I try to be strong for my kids because I don't want them to see that I am upset and I definitely don't want them to know whats going on. I know they love their dad more than he even realizes. And they are going to be just as hurt as I am if not more. That's three people's pain that I have to bare. Lucky me.

The truth is I love him with all of me. And my heart hurts every time I think about that day when we are both over each other and have moved on to be with other people. As much as I know that sometimes you don't get what you want and just because you love someone it doesn't mean that you are right for each other I wish we were right for each other. He's been my best friend for over 10 years. He's the only guy I ever lived with.At night when I couldn't sleep he was the one that I would crack jokes with. And no matter how many of the jokes were about people in his family he still laughed. Now I am just suppose to start over with someone brand new. How am i when I cant stop thinking about him.

Thanks for Listening!

Selfish and Unstable

I have always been independent for as long as I could remember. I never like to ask anyone for anything unless it was my last resort and that was very rare for me. The thought of depending on people to be there for me financially or even emotionally was far from my mind. But the one time I decide to depend on someone from both aspects was the worst thing I ever did.

Emotionally you say you love me, but then you constantly hurt me. You say you ain't going nowhere and we will always be together, but the minute we get into an argument you are quick to say it's over and you're done. And then after a couple of days when you see that I am not even concerned about the quarrel that we had you want to try and apologize as if I'm just gonna forget the sh*t you put me through the past couple of days. When I think about it you never really apologize you just start conversations with me as if nothing ever happened. Now I cant trust you with my heart. I don't know if we'll be together for a month, a week or just a few days. Stability used to mean one thing to me and that was money, financially. But now I need stability in a relationship. If I don't feel like you want to be with me forever or as long as I want to be with you then we're not stable. And I need stability not just for me, but for my kids. And if that's not you then I guess I'm on my own.

When it comes to money, I am not a big spender. I know some females who take their mans whole check and hit up the mall without a thought in their mind about him, the bills, or the kids for that matter. I am different and simple. I don't have to have the flyest outfits or the cleanest shoes. Honestly, you could give me $20 to go to Walmart and I'd be happy. But that still isn't enough for you to understand how grateful you should be towards me. The killer part is you constantly coming to me asking me to help you budget and to keep up with our money, but when the time comes for me to do that you trip. You always telling me that whatever I need get it, but then if I go to the ATM to take out $20 for your sons a haircut then you want to question me how, when and why. Now the only reason that pisses me off is because you go every week and make sure you get some of your "medicine" and sometimes you spend $120 a week on it. But you gone trip when I go and pay for our sons to have a hair cut? Your priorities are really messed up. No, no, no, you are just selfish. It's OK for you to spend your money, but when you find out someone else is you go ballistic. And like I said I could see if I were like those other females that take the money and go buy Gucci this or Prada that, but I am not. The only times I take the debit card is if I need to pay the bills and that's it. I don't use it to buy myself anything not even the kids. The only reason I don't touch his card is because he always complaining about not having no money which if you ask me, he always has money. When you can pay the bills and still have over $300 left til you get paid the next week I think your okay. And not one time do you say hey go buy this for the boys or go get your hair and nails done. The only thing you do is get your "medicine". Then your only defense is that you pay all the bills so you should be able to buy what you want. You are right you can buy whatever you want if you were by yourself, but no its 4 of us and just cause you pay the bills doesn't mean that that's all you have to do with your money. And honestly you not paying all the bills Cause I pay majority of the rent and you just pay the utilities. But you never hear me complaining.

Anyways I just wish I had a job. This is definitely a lesson learned.This is the reason why I never depend on anyone for anything because I get let down. And what hurts the most is I am not a selfish person and whenever I don get some money I don't have a problem sharing no matter how much it is.But, I will never ever, depend on anyone for anything ever again I promise that. Not for love, money, nothing. And like I always say karma is  motha, what goes around comes around and what you do to me will definitely come back on you 10 fold.

Why won't you tell me how you really feel?

The hardest thing about being in a relationship is being in one with someone who is unpredictable. You never know what this person is thinking, doing or even wanting to do. And they never seem to communicate anything with you they just leave you to either figure it out on your own or make your own assumption about the situation. I mean half the time you dont even know why they are mad and why they wont speak to you. And whether they realize it or not that hurts because you dont know what you did to make them just stop talking to you. You would think that after being in a committed relationship with him for almost 11 years that both of you would be past those types of games or as he likes to put it we're supposed to be "better than that". Maybe thats only true when it's me who has the attitude and doesn't want to talk. Either way when you have given your whole heart to someone you expect for them to give theirs as well.

Now we are at this stage where we barely talk to each other and when we do our conversations dont last any longer than 10 seconds. When we walk past each other in the hallway we scoot over just to make sure we dont accidentally touch one another's arms. and we dont look at each other. The one question that I have asked myself over the past couple of years is "how does two people who were madly in love at one point and couldnt live, let alone breathe without each other become these people who cant even stand to be in the same room with each other. And the truth of the matter is its not me. And yeah I know that's what everybody says, but it's really not me. I dont mind being in the same room with him. And to be honest my love for him has bever changed, but I refuse to be so caring and concerned about someone who is not caring or concerned about me.To some people that may seem childish, but when you've bent over backwards and forwards for someone to show them and prove to them that you love them and only them you finally give up on trying. Especially if no matter what you do this person is always throwing things up in your face saying that you dont care about them. When you know damn well if it were another girl in your place she wouldnt even stand for half of the shit you are taking.

I am tired of trying and I am tired of being the only one really wanting to talk so I say until he makes an effort to come to me and make me understand what he is thinking or going through for that matter then I am not going to put my whole heart into this relationship or whatever you want to call anymore. And to whoever said "Pain is love" that's BS. When someone loves you they dont want to even think about hurting you.